Of Crows, Dirt and Dongs

The One with the Unicorn Trampling

---- Or The Gang Takes on The Old Keep

The recount is hastily scrawled – in handwriting that is practically illegible to anyone that isn’t Henry – on the back of a love letter addressed to Tess. The spelling is appalling; It would make pretty white high elves cry. At the top of the page reads ‘I WASN’T DRUNK, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED’

Today I was brutally attacked by a fucking unicorn. Yep. You heard me correctly. A living, breathing, (albeit magically summoned, but still legit), me-hating unicorn. I was not drunk, I was not high, nor had I been hit really hard in the head. Turns out Ruffles is pretty dangerous with that magic of hers.

As one of Laucien’s first acts as ruler of Destrum – I missed a lot in the few days I spent with… Melanie? Elena? Shit, I don’t know—that bard in the tavern – he took us down into the Old Keep under the city. Now I haven’t got much interest in what magic shit lurks beneath the depths, but from my experience, if there’s a place no one wants to go, chances are there’s good stuff there that no one’s claimed. So I was willing — what’s a few lizard creatures when there are 6 of us? The things went down easy, even in the dark, but of course the halfling, being a motherfucking sorcerer, set off some kind of weird space time universe magic shit while she was trying to destroy the beasts, and tore a portal open in the middle of the great hall. And hey look, out pops a unicorn.

I’ve seen some shit. But nothing like this. The girl flips, because of course she does. Anyone who wears that much pink would freak out if they saw a unicorn. I was quite happy to ignore its presence entirely and pretend the fabric of reality can’t be bent out of shape so easily, but then it charged.

All my knowledge of unicorns came running back to me as I took a horn to the gut and got dragged back into the hallway. It was the moment I hit the floor and it started trampling me that I realised I was royally fucked. If I could remember every man I’d killed and all the laws I’d broken, they would have flashed before my eyes, but it’s an extensive list and I had more pressing matters to attend to, like evening the scales and stabbing the unicorn wherever I could reach it. I could practically hear the betrayal in Ruffles’s eyes as I blacked out. Probably more bad karma for me, but fuck it.

I came to once the unicorn was gone. Ruffles looked disappointed but she saved me, so that’s got to count for something. Once I’d gotten my breath back, I found the rest of the party and got a good look at the hall. Cages, with people still alive in them, and a lot of dead bodies. There wasn’t much to salvage, but the dead guys had been dead down here for about a month.

Bit pissed I missed most of the action, but this group is actually competent, which is something. I’m not looking forward to the fall out when we get out of this place. Gotta find a suitable explanation for the unicorn attack that doesn’t compromise me too much. Dunno how well they’re going to take the news that I’m not as “good” as I might seem. BUT that’s a worry for another time.

Also Lord of the Cloaks got frozen and it was really hard not to laugh – don’t forget that.

Beneath the chunk of messy text at the bottom of the page it says ‘SIGNATURES OF WITNESSES’ with space for other members of the party to sign.



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